The most wonderful time of the year

Thank god it is over. Hallelujah. Amen.

25 x 365 Feist

Your music rocked my 2007. I love your Bee Gee's cover. I cried to I'm sorry because it was how I felt once driving up a north-bound highway in Quebec, and then I left my laptop in a parking lot. We dance to 1-2-3-4 in my house - all of us, but especially my daughter. You do a wicked version of Secret Heart. And now we are Facebook Friends.

What I heard

A nice thing that someone said to me this week, actually not even just someone, but the woman who has mentored me professionally for the past eight years: "you are an inspiration." She meant this compliment in a you-got-yourself-divorced-and-picked-yourself-up-and-now-you-are-
better-and-stronger-than-before kind of way, and I gladly accept.

Also, I am watching (re-watching) Erin Brokovitch this week and this is what she said to George just before she sleeps with him: "Are you going to be something else I have to survive?" I felt a slight ping of recognition.

New Year's Resolution

It is short this year:

• boys, boys, boys

(It has been brought to my attention that I might want to refine this to "men, men, men." Good suggestion.)

24 x 365 Peter

All my memories of you since the sixth grade are warm, warm, warm. You wrote a lovely play about saving the world, you wrote me a beautiful letter when my dad died, we spent hours and hours playing cribbage in my room. OK, there is one nasty bit, but it was years ago and you were young so I am going to leave it out.

a new word for over

So much for that. I guess that is four words.

Christmas list

All I want for Christmas:

• espresso machine
• books
• magazines
• chocolate (something a little swankier than M&Ms would be fitting for the occasion)
• Veuve Clicquot
• condoms (ever hopeful)
• a boyfriend (ridiculously hopeful and possibly crazy)
• peace and joy
• fondue set (this one is a lock)
• anything beautiful, really
  

23 x 365 Josh

I am hoping these entries don't go too far down the high school Facebook path, but that is where all my nostalgia has lain these days. There is a virtual multiplier effect and one leads to two leads to 12 so everyone in the same graduating year ends up friends. In the six degrees game the points where we converge are: we went to high school together, you dated J, your wife dated the same guy I did, right after I did about 15 years ago and at the same time I had a crush on her brother, who I am still in touch with thanks to email and from whom I am expecting a poke any day.

22 x 365 marine in Thailand

There were more than one marine in Thailand, but I only remember a few of them and only kissed you. You took us on a tour of your ship - the USS New Orleans and explained the tight quarters and the sleeping in shifts and all the time spent working out because there was literally nothing else to do. Your ship arrived off the coast a few days early, but being Americans and being punctual you did not come to shore until the day and time your officials had told their host country you would be there. We went out drinking and dancing all night long and then necked on the beach, but not before I taught you and several of your friends how to do tequila body shots - one of my favourite stories to trot out at a suburban dinner party when I am getting tipsy and annoyed.

21 x 365 little girl with love letter

You ran over to my son at recess and thrust a note in his hand. Truly a gesture unbidden as he does not know your name or who you are. When I asked him what the note said he reminded me that he cannot really read yet, but that it was covered in hearts. Then he told me he crumpled it up and threw it in the garbage. I explained to him that this was not the most sensitive reaction and if you witnessed it I am sorry and he is sorry too. But a word of advice (because not only am I a girl and understand how frustrating it is trying to get a boy's attention, but I also realize how absolutely engaging this particular little boy is): you may want to refine your approach a little and play it just a wee bit cooler.

women and food

I used to be a size 8, sometimes verging on a 10, but mostly always an 8. Then last summer I was a 4, but now I am a 6. And the 6 feels right, and I think this is where I will stay, but the 8 is good too. But there was something great about the 4. It was the anticipation of all that food I could eat with inpunity, all that awaiting deliciousness in any flavour I liked.

I read once that sugar-free gum is the ultimate non-food. And it is. And I am up to about 2 packs a week.

All women have food issues, which really translate to body issues, the crux of which speaks to whether or not we feel worthy of love.

life living me

What gave me some hope this week:

• Invite for pints from long, lost Phil.
• Resounding praise from the magazine editor coupled with hope that I would write much more for him and promises of a good meal to be shared.
• Plans for a hike in the Gats with someone who is almost my sister on Xmas day after the babies leave.
• Good feedback at work.
• The peace and joy that comes from Bikram. And remembering that the hard way is the right way and that it is harshest in the light. Oh, so true.
• Revealing the truth of it and letting it happily go.
• Realizing that the moments of panic and despair are fewer and farther between.

What gave me some pause:

• J said my fallback position is "no." She said it in the truthful manner of someone who loves me and only wishes me the best. I thought about it and realized she was right.
• Canceled plans without any acknowledgment.
• Christmas coming at me, not like the train wreck of last year, but a quiet and certain hell none the less.
• A few moments of panic and despair.

20 x 365 Dr Derrick

Anyone who wore braces in the 70s and lived downtown knows who I mean. You were infamous. You firmly and inappropriately pressed yourself against us as you tightened our wires, adjusting the tension to painful proportions. To our 14-year-old selves you were a creepy old orthodontist. Now as the mother of a young daughter, your memory is horrifying.

19 x 365 Will

You are the one that got away, so many years ago. You still show up in my dreams - you just appear in the mall or on the bus or at a party. You must be buried so deep into my consciousness I will never be able to shake you free, but a version of your younger, best self. Until I see you again for real you are on my list of missed opportunities. Only the tedium of middle age and a chance meeting outside of my imagination can burst this perfect bubble of you in my mind.

four little words

This will never work. (but the other three words still hold)

18 x 365 Phil

Of all J's boyfriends you were my favourite. Also possibly the coolest guy I knew in my 20s. So I was a bit surprised when I looked you up after 21 years, invited you to a party and you said you had a golf tournament that day and would probably be too tired. And then you poked me and friend requested me on Facebook. Honestly, what has happened?

three little words

Someone told me I should try to just love you until I don't love you anymore. This is what I am going to do. Except that I hope I love you forever, but maybe not always in that way. Anyway, you don't know I love you, do you?

Misery, regrets or missed opportunities (however you want to spin it)

Things I have done or not done (and hopefully learned from and basically moved on):

• held back
• let people exert too much control
• let people go because I was not paying enough attention
• not told those I love that I love them
• all that getting and spending
• smoking
• not pursued a master's degree (there is still time)
• was never a foreign correspondent (I need to let this one go)
  

17 x 365 Christine

Ok, here goes. In the sixth grade we decided we did not want to be your friend anymore. I long forget the details of this treacherous female decision and whose idea it was, but we did it and it was very mean. Just like little girls can be. I don't even remember why, but I am sorry.

16 x 365 Eamon

You are the littlest person I know. The littlest and the youngest, being as you are, only six months old. I wanted to hold you because you are so cute. But then you cried. Then I wanted to hold you so your mom could eat dinner. But you cried again. It was a long day for you, but you did brilliantly. And in the end I think we were friends.

15 x 365 Dave

Here is something nice. A few weeks ago, standing around the printer at work, Karen said that one of her two TVs was broken and it was a problem because there was no way her marriage could survive on one TV. When I mused aloud, jokingly, that maybe that was what the problem had been for me, you blurted out "I can't believe anyone would dump you, you are gorgeous." Faulty logic aside, the sheer surprise, sincerity and sweetness of it all made me catch my breath.

Weekly happiness

Things that have made me happy this week:

• Bought a cashmere hoodie. What ridiculous (and fashionable) luxury.
• My lovely sister sent me the following Nick Horby quote: "Love is a project full of work and worry and forgiving people and putting up with stuff." And if that was not lovely enough, she added this PS: "my love for you is not like a project."
• Planning a road trip with the girls.
• Finished my first magazine assignment.
• Got my second magazine assignment.
• Babies home, tucked safely in their bunks.
• Some good yoga.

14 x 365 Alain

I am not having much luck with the Alain's of this town lately. Yesterday on the way to yoga you rear-ended me. Two cars ahead of me were turning so I had been completely stopped for a good few seconds. You inspected my car thoroughly, insisted on exchanging contact information, but strangely did not apologize.

the news this week, oh boy

I have had more discussions than days in the week this past week about life and serious struggles. Three marriages that are in trouble - one that is drifting seriously off course, one that is still at sea, but it is a dark and stormy sea, and one that has already sunk. Another close friend is taking some time off from the world, removing herself from work and most of her circle to try to regroup in her basement. Several of us have been taking turns holding the heart of someone in particular, someone I love more than almost anyone else. Another of my girls has an edge that has become too sharp and too persistent. It just won't go away. And because of the crack cocaine-like nature of my brief experience with synthetic happiness I am the go-to girl for advice on the best source. So I got a few calls. Nothing seems to be going as planned. But our plans never include disappointment, heart ache and depression. And when it happens, we are all there, or try our best to be. We listen, we talk, we eat and drink. Some of us buy beautiful new things. Mostly we rely on hope and love and make it up as we go along.

13 x 365 Nick (3)

While we are on the subject of Nicks, you were the paperboy that stuck around the longest (before the job got contracted out to grown men with cars and girlfriends who like to ride around with them at all hours of the morning). Dad liked the paper by 5:00 but you had hockey practice and were usually late. You would duck beneath the picture window in the living room and slide the paper onto the porch noiselessly and then run like hell. I think you are the only person who was ever afraid of my father. Of course you were also possibly the only person who was able to so consistently piss him off. It took some effort.

12 x 365 my son's first grade teacher

His kindergarten teacher was a cow. But you, you are the queen of the first grade teachers. Last night you told me he works hard, knows his words, is good at math, needs to practice his penmanship, and that his (sometimes incessant) talking adds a positive energy to the class. Y0u said he is a ray of sunshine and a joy to teach. You so get him. I think I love you.

Breaking up is hard to do

Breaking up with J the consultant

This past week I have spent an inordinate amount of time trying to let a consultant go. Basically our email exchanges have gone like this:
Me: you did not do what I asked you to do.
Him: did too.
Me: no really. I asked for X and you gave me what appears to be a character from a language I have never heard of. So really I could not have asked you for that.
Him: did too.
Me: ok, anyway you gave me nothing of any value, but I will pay you half.
Him: I reject this completely! I lowered my per diem for you! This would never stand up in front of a neutral party!

So, I guess we are off to the Hague to solve the disputed 1.25 days of a five day contract. So far it has taken me two full days to manage this project.

Breaking up with A the maniac

We had one dinner together. One rather long (or seemingly so) dinner that was riddled with minutae about computer programs his firm has developed (details about file format and bytes and on and on). Then he read me his resume (well obviously not "read" in the literal sense, because he has it memorized, word for word). His athletic, educational and professional accomplishments sure took a long time to get through. And then I sort of lost track.

When it was all over I thought it was pretty fair to say let's not do this again, shall we? Politely and clearly of course. About eight phone calls and several emails later (including a point-by-point critique of my dinner conversation - faulty knowledge of art history! incoherent grasp of Paris geography!), all of which were so rude that I did not respond I finally broke down and emailed him back explaining that his behaviour was inappropriate and could he please not contact me again. Which prompted him to contact me yet again to point out my rudeness and other character flaws and ended with "I am not a sugar daddy. Look elsewhere please." Even for me as a general non-reactor it was hard to let that one go. But I was just so happy that he had finally broken up with me.

11 x 365 Nick (2)

You are the real Nick from my past - or rather the real Nicky. You were my favourite boy when I was 10. My dad referred to you (affectionately) as "the great unwashed." Two interesting and enduring facts about you: 1. your grandfather is a famous American poet ("I think that I shall never see, a poem as beautiful as a tree...") and 2. when you came back from a year in France when you were 11 you told me you had got your winter coat off a dead midget while you were there. For years after I had visions of France as being a war-torn country littered with bodies. I have been meaning to ask you about this for 30 years.

10 x 365 Nick (1)

I met you at the Manor. You were wearing a pea coat and seemed a little preppy, but I was willing to overlook it. You told me you had gone to the university on a scholarship. Later you provided more details and told me it was a prison scholarship. Then you asked me point blank if I would sleep with you. When you ran into my room mate a few weeks later you asked her why I never returned your calls. Really?

9 x 365 Jodi

I never knew you well, but I always liked you. And then in the midst of the world falling out from beneath me you sent me the nicest note I have ever received. Hands down ever. And then you sent me a gift certificate and I used it to buy one of my favourite things (new black boots).

What some women say

Apparently Bette Davis' favourite words were "what's next?" This i like.

Karen von Hahn (who can often irritate me) recently wrote about why women are so angry, among many reasons, including "that an ordinary-looking man who's no great wit can still manage to bore his many, eager dates with tales of his achievements, whereas a plain woman is just about as likely to end up in the Oval Office as get any poor soul to listen to a single word she has to say." Is this true? Really all true?

8 x 365 My first husband

You were the man who made me feel the most loved (except for my dad). And then you didn't. The first three years were great, but man then I let it go on for two years too long.

7 x 365 Man at the Manx

Friday night was the second time I saw you at my favourite pub. You have lovely dark hair and artsy glasses and you were reading Wired magazine. Next time I see you, I am going to talk to you. Or at the very least, smile.

6 x 365 aesthetician at swanky spa

You had the white coat and the clinical demeanor, but still, you looked like my grandmother. I thought you would be gentle and reassuring. Instead you saw my fear and insecurity and had no doubt noted it was my birthday from my file. You were swift and brutal and god knows how much commission you made on the $450 of face products you convinced me I needed. I hate proof that we are not always on the same side.

5 x 365 Mrs Billings

Jana reminded me of you, Mrs Billings. You used to hold my notebook up against hers for all the class to see, as examples of everything that was bad about penmanship and everything that was good about it. You also made me stand in the hall once because I yawned in class. I was so mortified that every time someone walked by I would stand facing the door trying to look not banished, but rather like a messenger knocking. My penmanship is still awful and I consider it a mark of character.

Quotes for the month

Three quotes that made sense in October:
1. Mind the gap. (Notes on a Scandal)
2. If I didn't love you, I would have to love someone else. (We don't live here anymore)
3. A cocktail, at its best is more in the nature of a reward, one of the compensations that life grants us in return for the enormous pain of being an adult. (Esquire Magazine)

Songs of forgiveness (1)

One day last week I took a walk at lunch and bought some early Christmas presents. Mostly books and movies for the babies. But I also bought something for my ex and I think this is a sure sign that I am at least on my way to the road of forgiveness. I picked up a beautiful, hard-bound CS Lewis journal and thought to myself, "I bet the rat bastard would really like this." It was on sale and I bought it. So, ok, I am not exactly inviting him to the table, but come on, it is a start.

4 x 365 Jana

You were the most exotic creature in the whole of primary school. You were adopted and had long beautiful straight black hair, a Raphael face, and an air of grace unusual for anyone, let alone a six-year-old. All the teachers, all the children, and all the parents loved you. You introduced me to jealousy.

List of weekly excitement

The most exciting things that have happened to me this week:

1. I bought my first house. It is a small and beautiful, strikingly white Parisian three-story apartment facing a park to the west, and a river to the east (inconveniently located in the sketchy part of a small city in Quebec, but we pretend otherwise).
2. Phone call, Tuesday noon, at work. Question: do you want to be my girlfriend?
3. Hallowe'en (natch).
4. Wore a mini skirt to the office. Took an informal poll regarding the appropriateness of such an action (results not in my favour). What are the feminist rules about 1. mini skirts in general, 2. mini skirts at the work place (providing you are not a tennis pro), and 3. mini skirts over 40? [I should note that when I got home that night my most perfect eight year old daughter said "Oh Maman,you are wearing a mini skirt. It is beautiful! I love it!" This is the only survey result I need.]
   
5. My blog has been linked to another blog (a quality blog!)

And the week is not even over.

3 x 365 Dale

You used to hang out at my bar on Tuesday nights, which is a slow night, so we had lots of time to talk. You were working on the Aboriginal Royal Commission and on your PhD. You brought me two books: The history of sexuality by Foucault and something by Suzie Bright. You also brought me a cigar with the explanation that you longed to watch a woman smoke a cigar (who wouldn't?). You were the first hetero man to confess to me you had had sex with another man - just to see what it was like. I thought that was so cool.

2 x 365 Hussein

When I worked at the Malaysian restaurant you were the sweetest Malaysian. You were polite and always looking at me and smiling. But I was an 18-year-old waitress used to smiling men, so when you moved back to Malaysia I completely forgot you. And then you sent me letters and I realized what little thought I had given to the fact that you were a stranger in a strange country. I could have paid a little more attention.

1 x 365 Pete Veit

We are probably not supposed to use last names, but Pete Veit was never just Pete. He was always Pete Veit. I think I called him Pete Veit in bed. We worked at the same restaurant and flirted across the heat lamps all summer, every summer. He had louts for friends, hockey hair and a perfect body - he was an '80s god. I am not sure we ever had a meaningful conversation but it was somehow spectacular and no one got hurt. It might be the most perfect romance I ever have. Oh, Pete Veit, where are you now?

What I like about my car (a short list)

Two things I like about my car:

1. It makes me feel like a grown-up
2. It goes with my hair

Driving list

Why I was not meant to drive:

• I don't even like driving
• I don't particularly like cars
• Cars are bad for the environment
• Driving brings out the not-so-nice side of people
• Cars are isolating and dehumanizing
• I OFTEN forget to turn off my lights and kill my battery (evidence from this week: on Tuesday night I left my lights on while at a writing date at a coffee shop. At night. When it is dark and usually not difficult to catch such a BRIGHT oversight. On the downside: I did further damage to my battery and had to stand by the side of the road shaking my head at myself and wondering how I would get through the rest of my driving life without driving myself crazy. On the upside: I met a lovely boy named Steph who assured me it was his PLEASURE to give me a boost.)
• Yesterday I got a letter in the mail from the provincial transit authority letting me know that because I had failed to pay my car registration that was due at the end of September, my car was no longer allowed on the road. Or else. (The or else being a sizable fine). Christ.

List of things I need to know how to do

Things I need to know how to do (even if I do not like them):

• my taxes
• make small talk
• boost my car (really need this one - see above)
• choose and buy appliances (luckily not often)
• be alone
• drive in a foreign country (I walk and public transit just fine)
• say no
• deal with repairs

second list of second day (because this is my first blog)

When a week is too long:

• not seeing my children (even if we talk on the phone every day) - I need to hold their little hands, kiss them, hug them, stroke their hair, tell them I love them, make them muffins, cuddle in bed and read books
• not seeing JW - makes me come all unfrayed
• no yoga - I need that peace and joy, peace and joy (plus my focus goes blurry, my muscles tense, my heart closes a bit and my sex drive starts to dive)
• no chocolate - a week. ha. as if I could even come close.
• not plucking my eye brows
• not being home

oh god, another list

Where I find religion:

• Van Morrison
• yoga class
• on the bus
• on my bike (only in certain places on the path)
• naked in a lake
• reading Anne Lamott
  
• Graceland (only once, but it was the closest to God I have ever been)

Second list of lists for today

The big list:

• Accept all invitations
• Always drive the bus
• Set more boundaries
• Open your heart (WIDER)
• Breathe, Pray, Be kind, Stop grabbing
• Pay more attention
  

The following strikes are currently underway:

• domestic
• gardening (cross the line on this one from time to time - the poor plants do need a drink and they give me so much pleasure, it is hardly their fault they are needy)
• sex (excluding intense weekend breaks)
• projects around the house (possibly never again)
• being the administrator of relationships
• getting married (very, very firm)
• ugly outfits (why?)
  
• anything that wastes my time
  

Today's lists

My favourite things

• books
• magazines
• my bike
• birth control pills
• flowers
• my new black boots (they say fuck me gently)
  
• my portable DVD player
• my piano
• M & Ms (chocolate of the people)
• champagne
• public transportation

Reasons he will never be the one:

• he is an island
• potentially unreliable
• mostly forgets me when I leave the room
• oh too Zen
  
• loves women (potentially ALL women)
  

Reasons it is a shame he will never be the one:

• so sweet
• could kiss him forever
• spectacular in bed
• does not want to eat my soul
• oh so Zen
  
• introspective
• gentle
• I love every minute of every visit, every time
• says every right thing in every right way
• loves women
• his beautiful hands
• makes me try a little harder (as well I should)