This must be the place

the view from over there (but i can't get there from here)

2008-04-21T18:04:00.000-07:00

I am trying to look at it from his perspective, because his view of the world is so much different than mine. It is almost as if we think and exist on two different planes most of the time. There are points where we overlap, but those are always in the physical present. And when we talk about relationships or needs or wants we do not even speak the same language. It would be like me trying to have a conversation about same sex marriage with a devout catholic. We could never understand each other because the starting points of our ideologies do not even acknowledge the other exists. I would be running off at the mouth about the virtues of my new shampoo and he would just look at me and scratch his big, bald head.

And say I was even willing to talk about what I need and what I want, it would not fit his requirements. The personal neediness and the worldliness of it all would overwhelm him. He would hear me out, even invite the discussion, but he has no ability to fulfill my needs (which may be bottomless after all), and likely no inclination.

I could no more drag that confounding and lovely Buddhist so-called boyfriend of mine into my planned and defined idea of a relationship than he could catch me with his own loosely woven and unreliable net.

It is a lesson in love and acceptance. That, and being realistic. And now it is my turn to try my best.

31 x 365 geoff

2008-04-20T18:47:00.000-07:00

It is pronounced "Joff" despite what other people tell you. You are the only guy I flirted with in 13 years, but then only barely, and only because it was so easy to talk to you, and your wife (who I like very much by the way) was nice to my (then) husband, and many weren't. I had the most breathtakingly honest conversation I have ever had with a man (where there was no sex involved) with you and I felt that was a great privilege. But I do have to say now - what the hell are you doing? Make up your mind already, and make it up good. This is ridiculous. You are driving her slowly crazy, can you not see that? Smarten up!

now that's better

2008-04-20T18:19:00.000-07:00

you: you tell me something nice.
me: I love you.
you: I love you too.

That's better. Somehow not enough, but better. And that is entirely my problem.

random conversations

2008-04-17T18:44:00.000-07:00

You: I am just that guy you love until you find the next guy to love.
Me: But I will love you forever.
You: I will want to fuck you forever.

Me: Say something nice to me.
You: You are really clean and you always smell like soap.
Me: That’s it?

Me: Do you see yourself living alone forever?
You: Why not?
Me: Really? You are ok with that. Just living alone for the rest of your days?
You: Sure. I mean there is no room here for anyone else in this apartment. Where would she put her stuff?

You: What I do not want is this to become the yearly Christmas card.
Me: Then don’t let it. Haven’t you stayed friends with women you have slept with?
You: Not the ones I have been in love with.

You: You are helping me get away from my content single-guy life.
Me: Why not just stay with it if you are content?
You: Because it is stopping me from having a meaningful relationship.
Me: So?

Me: I am just minding the gap. [In our relationship and inability to communicate]
You: But the gap is so much smaller right now. [Speaking literally and geographically]
Me: That’s odd because to me it seems even wider than usual. [And to think I thought it couldn’t get any wider.]

And my personal favourite:

You: And that time you put pressure on me.
Me: About what?
You: We don't need to talk about it.
Me: No really, what? I don't know what you are talking about.
You: That weekend.
Me: I thought we had a plan. I had it in my calendar in pen.
You: Well I didn't think it was written in stone.
Me: No, it was written in pen.

30 x 365 my sister

2008-04-07T16:42:00.000-07:00

I cannot recount here 41 years of always getting along and you making every exception in the world for me that you would not make for others ( I think you picked that up from dad). So instead, the description of a weekend in Montreal might illustrate aptly. Two perfect French bistro meals, always seated at the counter, with cocktails, wine, and dashing, attentive, flirty waiters. Six perfect chocolates from Chloe's: cardamom, figue et balsamic, orange, basil, and two ginger. One lovely shiny chic perfect trench coat. The Cuban exhibit. A small perfect European hotel on Saint Denis. But mostly this, over breakfast:
me: what are you listening to these days?
you: Hawksley Workman
me: me too!
And that is perfect.

29 x 365 Christian

2008-04-02T19:38:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I need to be hit over the head. We got separated at the same time and you moved in around the corner. Your charming little daughter thinks my son is lovely (which he clearly is). They are adorable together. When you were still married it was you, and not your wife, who took all the kids out. In the world of play dates this makes you amazing (a sad commentary about how little we have moved ahead) - like the Prom King in that movie. I thought you looked handy and it has recently come to my attention that you are, in fact, a plumber. Tonight you called and asked if I could look after your daughter for a few hours. I feel a reciprocity agreement in the drafting. Or at least the possibility of a homey little mutually beneficial arrangement brewing.

you

2008-03-30T16:02:00.000-07:00

I will never figure this out. I have changed my mind every hour every day every every week for the past year. We have broken up more times than you will ever know. And if you did know you would think I was banana cakes. Which I am. Where you are concerned.

Why I cannot call you back:
1. I need to break up with you (for good) and I am not quite ready. I would like to suspend the disbelief for a little longer. Maybe for so long that by the time I do get around to calling you back and breaking up with you (for good) I will no longer care or remember.
2. I will go into the call with all those nonchalant intentions, but likely end up wigging out a la Carrie Bradshaw.
3. I told you if you could not figure it out I was so done here and I know you have not figured it out. I know you've got nothing.
4. Frankly I am more than a little pissed. This is trying your best? Really? Why didn't you just let me go the first time?
5. I might cry. I will cry.

All those years that you said were difficult and you were drowning your sorrows? These are my difficult years and I am trying not to drown. And you are a distant shore that keeps disappearing.

marriage

2008-03-30T11:10:00.000-07:00

#1 - I cannot explain it. He was very persuasive and when someone is that in love with you they can convince you of a lot. Plus he was European, which can make a difference.
#2 - All I can say here is that my ovaries were screaming so fucking loudly, my common sense could not hear itself think.
#3 - Never going to happen. There will be interventions. But my dirty little secret of wanting to marry up is not so secret anymore.

28 x 365 Jason

2008-03-30T11:01:00.000-07:00

J, J, how long has it been? My god. I was an usher at your wedding and got to hang with the guys and wear a tux. Instead of hair and make-up, the prep to the big event was scotch and cigars. You were a dishwasher and then my boss. Last week you pulled up beside me in a cube van when I was out on a lunch-hour run. You have gone bankrupt, lost the restaurant and the house and own nothing. But you still have the girl you have always loved, everyone else you have always known and your cheery disposition. You are walking, breathing, living proof of what actually matters.

what i learned this weekend

2008-03-24T18:21:00.000-07:00

1. The Easter bunny does not exist. This hurts more than you think.
2. I am not the only one who is surprised that God has not found them by now.
3. The world is still not a safe place for hearts.
4. Speed does not necessarily kill, but it sure can cost you.
5. My age in binary numbers.
6. That turkey, stuffing, gravy, four veg and daffodil cake meal that your mom made every year when you were growing up that tasted so, so, so good? It still does. Not many things in this world have that kind of staying power. Amen. And thanks to Jesus for the 4-day weekend.

27 x 365 the easter bunny

2008-03-17T17:52:00.000-07:00

Of all the fictitious holiday characters you are far and away my favourite. Why? Chocolate, flowers and spring, and oh so soft. Need I say more?

I haven't been busy so much as not paying attention

2008-03-10T19:03:00.001-07:00

With the following:

skiing (learning)
losing things etc. (gloves, glasses, bus pass, locking keys in (running) car)
weird highschool reconnects (courtesy of Face Book)
Hawksley Workman
and really this weather wastes an awful lot of my time
email
daydreaming
cleaning my house

26 x 365 Robb

2008-03-10T18:57:00.000-07:00

This will be the longest 365 days ever. It may be the year that never ends. Anyhow, we started (barely) and stopped. Pitched and stalled. And now are what? I am not sure at all, but you are perfect on paper (and online) and possibly the nicest (living) guy I have ever met.

where does it all go?

2008-01-31T18:04:00.000-08:00

This is what has been keeping me from myself and everything lately:

Martha Wainwright
work
the noise in my head and the enemy that is my lack of imagination and my over driving restlessness
making endless plans
eating cake

With men it seems that if you take away the possibility of sex you can take away the possibility of everything. They can disappear pretty quickly.

I am not sure if I have made a mistake. And I am not sure if that's ok, because part of the beauty of being here is nothing ever has to be the final thing. And the fact that I can even draw a Bridges of Madison county comparison to my life makes me cringe (but for the record I only saw the movie). And now that other woman and my children.

If it was Saturday night there is no doubt I would be out having cocktails and dancing away the loneliness.

Something to remember at a time like this, when the night is closing in and strangling my heart, that yesterday at the outdoor skating rink the afternoon was nothing but laughing children, lovely cold cheeks, the scrape of blades on the ice, the slap of the puck, the promise of hot chocolate, the lowering of the sun and the slight sparkle on the snow (more subdued than the enormous glitter of the summer sun on the lake, but sometimes we need to look more closely to see the beauty that is still so plainly there) and the people I have always known.

2008

2008-01-01T15:26:00.000-08:00

You have arrived. Here are a few things I have read today, the first day of you:

"... the essence of friendship is that you always let the other person off the hook." ( L Cohen) I believe this to be true.
"Sometimes when we think we are keeping a secret that secret is actually keeping us." (F Warren) This must be true as well.
"Mind the gap." This one just kept playing in my mind for obvious reasons.

And apparently the mustache is back. Who let this happen?

The most wonderful time of the year

2007-12-28T19:22:00.000-08:00

Thank god it is over. Hallelujah. Amen.

25 x 365 Feist

2007-12-22T14:39:00.000-08:00

Your music rocked my 2007. I love your Bee Gee's cover. I cried to I'm sorry because it was how I felt once driving up a north-bound highway in Quebec, and then I left my laptop in a parking lot. We dance to 1-2-3-4 in my house - all of us, but especially my daughter. You do a wicked version of Secret Heart. And now we are Facebook Friends.

What I heard

2007-12-21T19:33:00.000-08:00

A nice thing that someone said to me this week, actually not even just someone, but the woman who has mentored me professionally for the past eight years: "you are an inspiration." She meant this compliment in a you-got-yourself-divorced-and-picked-yourself-up-and-now-you-are-
better-and-stronger-than-before kind of way, and I gladly accept.

Also, I am watching (re-watching) Erin Brokovitch this week and this is what she said to George just before she sleeps with him: "Are you going to be something else I have to survive?" I felt a slight ping of recognition.

New Year's Resolution

2007-12-16T17:19:00.000-08:00

It is short this year:

boys, boys, boys

(It has been brought to my attention that I might want to refine this to "men, men, men." Good suggestion.)

24 x 365 Peter

2007-12-12T18:24:00.000-08:00

All my memories of you since the sixth grade are warm, warm, warm. You wrote a lovely play about saving the world, you wrote me a beautiful letter when my dad died, we spent hours and hours playing cribbage in my room. OK, there is one nasty bit, but it was years ago and you were young so I am going to leave it out.

a new word for over

2007-12-11T08:27:00.001-08:00

So much for that. I guess that is four words.

Christmas list

2007-12-10T18:15:00.000-08:00

All I want for Christmas:

espresso machine
books
magazines
chocolate (something a little swankier than M&Ms would be fitting for the occasion)
Veuve Clicquot
condoms (ever hopeful)
a boyfriend (ridiculously hopeful and possibly crazy)
peace and joy
fondue set (this one is a lock)
anything beautiful, really

23 x 365 Josh

2007-12-09T13:00:00.000-08:00

I am hoping these entries don't go too far down the high school Facebook path, but that is where all my nostalgia has lain these days. There is a virtual multiplier effect and one leads to two leads to 12 so everyone in the same graduating year ends up friends. In the six degrees game the points where we converge are: we went to high school together, you dated J, your wife dated the same guy I did, right after I did about 15 years ago and at the same time I had a crush on her brother, who I am still in touch with thanks to email and from whom I am expecting a poke any day.

22 x 365 marine in Thailand

2007-12-03T14:32:00.000-08:00

There were more than one marine in Thailand, but I only remember a few of them and only kissed you. You took us on a tour of your ship - the USS New Orleans and explained the tight quarters and the sleeping in shifts and all the time spent working out because there was literally nothing else to do. Your ship arrived off the coast a few days early, but being Americans and being punctual you did not come to shore until the day and time your officials had told their host country you would be there. We went out drinking and dancing all night long and then necked on the beach, but not before I taught you and several of your friends how to do tequila body shots - one of my favourite stories to trot out at a suburban dinner party when I am getting tipsy and annoyed.

21 x 365 little girl with love letter

2007-11-28T18:16:00.000-08:00

You ran over to my son at recess and thrust a note in his hand. Truly a gesture unbidden as he does not know your name or who you are. When I asked him what the note said he reminded me that he cannot really read yet, but that it was covered in hearts. Then he told me he crumpled it up and threw it in the garbage. I explained to him that this was not the most sensitive reaction and if you witnessed it I am sorry and he is sorry too. But a word of advice (because not only am I a girl and understand how frustrating it is trying to get a boy's attention, but I also realize how absolutely engaging this particular little boy is): you may want to refine your approach a little and play it just a wee bit cooler.