the view from over there (but i can't get there from here)

I am trying to look at it from his perspective, because his view of the world is so much different than mine. It is almost as if we think and exist on two different planes most of the time. There are points where we overlap, but those are always in the physical present. And when we talk about relationships or needs or wants we do not even speak the same language. It would be like me trying to have a conversation about same sex marriage with a devout catholic. We could never understand each other because the starting points of our ideologies do not even acknowledge the other exists. I would be running off at the mouth about the virtues of my new shampoo and he would just look at me and scratch his big, bald head.

And say I was even willing to talk about what I need and what I want, it would not fit his requirements. The personal neediness and the worldliness of it all would overwhelm him. He would hear me out, even invite the discussion, but he has no ability to fulfill my needs (which may be bottomless after all), and likely no inclination.

I could no more drag that confounding and lovely Buddhist so-called boyfriend of mine into my planned and defined idea of a relationship than he could catch me with his own loosely woven and unreliable net.

It is a lesson in love and acceptance. That, and being realistic. And now it is my turn to try my best.

31 x 365 geoff

It is pronounced "Joff" despite what other people tell you. You are the only guy I flirted with in 13 years, but then only barely, and only because it was so easy to talk to you, and your wife (who I like very much by the way) was nice to my (then) husband, and many weren't. I had the most breathtakingly honest conversation I have ever had with a man (where there was no sex involved) with you and I felt that was a great privilege. But I do have to say now - what the hell are you doing? Make up your mind already, and make it up good. This is ridiculous. You are driving her slowly crazy, can you not see that? Smarten up!

now that's better

you: you tell me something nice.
me: I love you.
you: I love you too.

That's better. Somehow not enough, but better. And that is entirely my problem.

random conversations

You: I am just that guy you love until you find the next guy to love.
Me: But I will love you forever.
You: I will want to fuck you forever.

Me: Say something nice to me.
You: You are really clean and you always smell like soap.
Me: That’s it?

Me: Do you see yourself living alone forever?
You: Why not?
Me: Really? You are ok with that. Just living alone for the rest of your days?
You: Sure. I mean there is no room here for anyone else in this apartment. Where would she put her stuff?

You: What I do not want is this to become the yearly Christmas card.
Me: Then don’t let it. Haven’t you stayed friends with women you have slept with?
You: Not the ones I have been in love with.

You: You are helping me get away from my content single-guy life.
Me: Why not just stay with it if you are content?
You: Because it is stopping me from having a meaningful relationship.
Me: So?

Me: I am just minding the gap. [In our relationship and inability to communicate]
You: But the gap is so much smaller right now. [Speaking literally and geographically]
Me: That’s odd because to me it seems even wider than usual. [And to think I thought it couldn’t get any wider.]

And my personal favourite:

You: And that time you put pressure on me.
Me: About what?
You: We don't need to talk about it.
Me: No really, what? I don't know what you are talking about.
You: That weekend.
Me: I thought we had a plan. I had it in my calendar in pen.
You: Well I didn't think it was written in stone.
Me: No, it was written in pen.

30 x 365 my sister

I cannot recount here 41 years of always getting along and you making every exception in the world for me that you would not make for others ( I think you picked that up from dad). So instead, the description of a weekend in Montreal might illustrate aptly. Two perfect French bistro meals, always seated at the counter, with cocktails, wine, and dashing, attentive, flirty waiters. Six perfect chocolates from Chloe's: cardamom, figue et balsamic, orange, basil, and two ginger. One lovely shiny chic perfect trench coat. The Cuban exhibit. A small perfect European hotel on Saint Denis. But mostly this, over breakfast:
me: what are you listening to these days?
you: Hawksley Workman
me: me too!
And that is perfect.

29 x 365 Christian

Sometimes I need to be hit over the head. We got separated at the same time and you moved in around the corner. Your charming little daughter thinks my son is lovely (which he clearly is). They are adorable together. When you were still married it was you, and not your wife, who took all the kids out. In the world of play dates this makes you amazing (a sad commentary about how little we have moved ahead) - like the Prom King in that movie. I thought you looked handy and it has recently come to my attention that you are, in fact, a plumber. Tonight you called and asked if I could look after your daughter for a few hours. I feel a reciprocity agreement in the drafting. Or at least the possibility of a homey little mutually beneficial arrangement brewing.

you

I will never figure this out. I have changed my mind every hour every day every every week for the past year. We have broken up more times than you will ever know. And if you did know you would think I was banana cakes. Which I am. Where you are concerned.

Why I cannot call you back:
1. I need to break up with you (for good) and I am not quite ready. I would like to suspend the disbelief for a little longer. Maybe for so long that by the time I do get around to calling you back and breaking up with you (for good) I will no longer care or remember.
2. I will go into the call with all those nonchalant intentions, but likely end up wigging out a la Carrie Bradshaw.
3. I told you if you could not figure it out I was so done here and I know you have not figured it out. I know you've got nothing.
4. Frankly I am more than a little pissed. This is trying your best? Really? Why didn't you just let me go the first time?
5. I might cry. I will cry.

All those years that you said were difficult and you were drowning your sorrows? These are my difficult years and I am trying not to drown. And you are a distant shore that keeps disappearing.

marriage

#1 - I cannot explain it. He was very persuasive and when someone is that in love with you they can convince you of a lot. Plus he was European, which can make a difference.
#2 - All I can say here is that my ovaries were screaming so fucking loudly, my common sense could not hear itself think.
#3 - Never going to happen. There will be interventions. But my dirty little secret of wanting to marry up is not so secret anymore.

28 x 365 Jason

J, J, how long has it been? My god. I was an usher at your wedding and got to hang with the guys and wear a tux. Instead of hair and make-up, the prep to the big event was scotch and cigars. You were a dishwasher and then my boss. Last week you pulled up beside me in a cube van when I was out on a lunch-hour run. You have gone bankrupt, lost the restaurant and the house and own nothing. But you still have the girl you have always loved, everyone else you have always known and your cheery disposition. You are walking, breathing, living proof of what actually matters.

what i learned this weekend

1. The Easter bunny does not exist. This hurts more than you think.
2. I am not the only one who is surprised that God has not found them by now.
3. The world is still not a safe place for hearts.
4. Speed does not necessarily kill, but it sure can cost you.
5. My age in binary numbers.
6. That turkey, stuffing, gravy, four veg and daffodil cake meal that your mom made every year when you were growing up that tasted so, so, so good? It still does. Not many things in this world have that kind of staying power. Amen. And thanks to Jesus for the 4-day weekend.

27 x 365 the easter bunny

Of all the fictitious holiday characters you are far and away my favourite. Why? Chocolate, flowers and spring, and oh so soft. Need I say more?

I haven't been busy so much as not paying attention

With the following:

• skiing (learning)
• losing things etc. (gloves, glasses, bus pass, locking keys in (running) car)
• weird highschool reconnects (courtesy of Face Book)
• Hawksley Workman
• and really this weather wastes an awful lot of my time
• email
• daydreaming
• cleaning my house
  

26 x 365 Robb

This will be the longest 365 days ever. It may be the year that never ends. Anyhow, we started (barely) and stopped. Pitched and stalled. And now are what? I am not sure at all, but you are perfect on paper (and online) and possibly the nicest (living) guy I have ever met.

where does it all go?

This is what has been keeping me from myself and everything lately:

• Martha Wainwright
• work
• the noise in my head and the enemy that is my lack of imagination and my over driving restlessness
• making endless plans
• eating cake
  

With men it seems that if you take away the possibility of sex you can take away the possibility of everything. They can disappear pretty quickly.

I am not sure if I have made a mistake. And I am not sure if that's ok, because part of the beauty of being here is nothing ever has to be the final thing. And the fact that I can even draw a Bridges of Madison county comparison to my life makes me cringe (but for the record I only saw the movie). And now that other woman and my children.

If it was Saturday night there is no doubt I would be out having cocktails and dancing away the loneliness.

Something to remember at a time like this, when the night is closing in and strangling my heart, that yesterday at the outdoor skating rink the afternoon was nothing but laughing children, lovely cold cheeks, the scrape of blades on the ice, the slap of the puck, the promise of hot chocolate, the lowering of the sun and the slight sparkle on the snow (more subdued than the enormous glitter of the summer sun on the lake, but sometimes we need to look more closely to see the beauty that is still so plainly there) and the people I have always known.

2008

You have arrived. Here are a few things I have read today, the first day of you:

• "... the essence of friendship is that you always let the other person off the hook." ( L Cohen) I believe this to be true.
• "Sometimes when we think we are keeping a secret that secret is actually keeping us." (F Warren) This must be true as well.
• "Mind the gap." This one just kept playing in my mind for obvious reasons.

And apparently the mustache is back. Who let this happen?