21 x 365 little girl with love letter

You ran over to my son at recess and thrust a note in his hand. Truly a gesture unbidden as he does not know your name or who you are. When I asked him what the note said he reminded me that he cannot really read yet, but that it was covered in hearts. Then he told me he crumpled it up and threw it in the garbage. I explained to him that this was not the most sensitive reaction and if you witnessed it I am sorry and he is sorry too. But a word of advice (because not only am I a girl and understand how frustrating it is trying to get a boy's attention, but I also realize how absolutely engaging this particular little boy is): you may want to refine your approach a little and play it just a wee bit cooler.

women and food

I used to be a size 8, sometimes verging on a 10, but mostly always an 8. Then last summer I was a 4, but now I am a 6. And the 6 feels right, and I think this is where I will stay, but the 8 is good too. But there was something great about the 4. It was the anticipation of all that food I could eat with inpunity, all that awaiting deliciousness in any flavour I liked.

I read once that sugar-free gum is the ultimate non-food. And it is. And I am up to about 2 packs a week.

All women have food issues, which really translate to body issues, the crux of which speaks to whether or not we feel worthy of love.

life living me

What gave me some hope this week:

• Invite for pints from long, lost Phil.
• Resounding praise from the magazine editor coupled with hope that I would write much more for him and promises of a good meal to be shared.
• Plans for a hike in the Gats with someone who is almost my sister on Xmas day after the babies leave.
• Good feedback at work.
• The peace and joy that comes from Bikram. And remembering that the hard way is the right way and that it is harshest in the light. Oh, so true.
• Revealing the truth of it and letting it happily go.
• Realizing that the moments of panic and despair are fewer and farther between.

What gave me some pause:

• J said my fallback position is "no." She said it in the truthful manner of someone who loves me and only wishes me the best. I thought about it and realized she was right.
• Canceled plans without any acknowledgment.
• Christmas coming at me, not like the train wreck of last year, but a quiet and certain hell none the less.
• A few moments of panic and despair.

20 x 365 Dr Derrick

Anyone who wore braces in the 70s and lived downtown knows who I mean. You were infamous. You firmly and inappropriately pressed yourself against us as you tightened our wires, adjusting the tension to painful proportions. To our 14-year-old selves you were a creepy old orthodontist. Now as the mother of a young daughter, your memory is horrifying.

19 x 365 Will

You are the one that got away, so many years ago. You still show up in my dreams - you just appear in the mall or on the bus or at a party. You must be buried so deep into my consciousness I will never be able to shake you free, but a version of your younger, best self. Until I see you again for real you are on my list of missed opportunities. Only the tedium of middle age and a chance meeting outside of my imagination can burst this perfect bubble of you in my mind.

four little words

This will never work. (but the other three words still hold)

18 x 365 Phil

Of all J's boyfriends you were my favourite. Also possibly the coolest guy I knew in my 20s. So I was a bit surprised when I looked you up after 21 years, invited you to a party and you said you had a golf tournament that day and would probably be too tired. And then you poked me and friend requested me on Facebook. Honestly, what has happened?